How did you feel when you were suffering from anorexia? Pain. Lost. Alone. Wrong. I just wanted to hide myself under the ground. I hated myself for the disaster everyone in the family had to go through because of me..and that I felt hopeless, helpless, It felt like I gave and did everything but nothing went right. I felt like I lived a nightmare that never ended.
What made you decide to overcome anorexia? As soon as it was noticed and I was put to the hospital, I wanted my normal life back, so I would do anything to do that. I just wanted to be free.
How has overcoming anorexia changed your life? Before it I was shy, insecure, wanted to do everything right and hated myself for everything.. being different.. Now I love being different, I am brave, confident, mentally and physically strong and forgive and learn from everything, I do not like to use the word mistakes, because there is no mistakes, only lessons and opportunities to grow.
How do you feel about yourself now? As I wrote I respect myself and thankful that I overcame this.
What did you find the most difficult about your recovery? Forgetting the horrible time in hospital.. Feeling safe and no one to really trust. Fight on your own, even if you did have support and help all the time, it was my own fight. Accepting and forgiving my mistakes and be patient, you want to be recovered directly on one night, but it is not possible, but I could not just understand that.
What do friends and family say when they see how far you’ve come?
They are really proud of me, happy for me. I am so thankful I got them.
What advice would you give to someone who is in the same situation as you were in – what message do you want to convey?
It will be hard. It is. No one understands the pain and fight you go through everyday. But do you know what? As more as you do the things that is hard, gives anxiety, the opposite of what the ED wants you to do, the easier it gets..for everytime. You need to choose recovery over and over again, do it for your own sake. Not for others. You have a worth and you need to respect and love yourself, don’t let anything or anyone change that. Be brave. I know you are strong enough. If I could make it, you will also. I know that.
Can you describe your diet and exercise regime before you started your recovery?
I trained soccer several times a week, I ate very small portions and vegetarian food..
Are you able to describe your regime now?
It varies very much. In some periods, I workout more or less, depending on the time and possibilities of course. Right now, exercise is a big part of my life, even if I only put like 1 hour a day, 4-6 times a week, it’s something that gives way more than it takes. As much and hard as I train now, it has become automatic and nearly a matter of course for me to eat very much, “good food”, and often! I strive to eat more than I need to build and go further in the training and it’s going great now. I have no rules or schedules I should follow and that’s the most important thing for me. I do not avoid anything and I do not have the need to exercise or eat in a certain way, exercising and healthy food is a choice that I feel incredibly physically and mentally good from, but there are periods and days that is completely opposite and instead focus on other things in life. But these periods have’nt appeared as usual as before, because I love what I do so why would I want to stop it then? I feel so well, happy and full of endorphines, inspiration now, so I enjoy every day of this.
When I don’t have the opportunity, for example when I am working more or traveling, then it is clear that I eat and train different.
I only do strength training at the gym, I have not done any cardio for several years. I love to challenge myself, get stronger and also enjoy the workouts. Sometimes I exercise what I crave for, the muscle groups that “wants” to be trained or then I can put up a schedule. I like to vary with tough strength training sessions where I challenge myself and my limits, raise the weights m and feel stronger for each time mixed with lighter and recovering training sessions, but I enjoy them both and I get lots of endorphins. I eat regulary, food with a lot of nutrition and what I’m craving for that day. I want to enjoy the food and taste but also of course be satisfied and full, eat quality food that builds and gives energy, recovery material for the muscles. But no rules, I could say that I eat and exercise what I want and whenever I want, but it has become like I described mostly good food and training that helps me build muscles and make progress in the training and most importantly, feel energized, well and happy of.
I love being free and doing what I have passion for. I’m also, as I mentioned, open to change and vary often. Who know’s if I do not have the same passion and love to the gym and healthy lifestyle, next month or after ten years, maybe I’m doing something else, who knows! Who cares, that is what life is about! I live every day and minute at a time. Life is full of possibilities and the most important thing is that you’re doing well!
What was your weight when you were at your lowest? 35-36kg
What is your weight now? I don’t weigh myself anymore!
Dress size then: I needed to use childs sizes, the smallest size were too big for me.
Dress size now: 36
How tall are you? 174cm
